thinking about hope as a glimmer

not a spotlight or beacon

Some quick updates

• Hoping for more than quarterly updates, but this has been all I’ve been capable of lately! You get bullet points again.

• I watched The Materialists last month, and I’ve had thoughts and have a draft started, but also like I’ve not had the energy to give my full, spoilery review yet. It’s coming. I promise.

• Tax season more or less ended, but corporate taxes loomed, and now it’s another cyclical quarterly deadline

• Paired with having another aging grandparent living with us, and requiring caregiving … life has been a lot. Especially when said grandfather is quite stubborn, and also wants the help at the same time. Caregiving is not easy. Not at any stage of life.

• After ages on ages, I’ve finally found a therapist. I’m hoping it remains a fit, but this has been the year when I finally moved forward in this

• If you know where else I work, I’ve been doing more with the shop. And in August onward, I’ll be there in-person more, but also get some more remote hours.

• My full-time job? That’s going to be shifting. Working with family, and living with family is a lot. And, I’m really working to lessen that brain overhead in areas that I can control

• I’m going to Blackpink next week in Toronto, and how am I stressing so much on what I’m wearing, and what nail design I’m going to get?! But, it’s going to be so much fun … RIGHT!?

I’ve joined another of

Emily Mais

’s writing groups, and I’ll be making more of an effort to write more again, and share more thoughts and letters. I’ve been in a creative slump. I’ve been in a reading slump. I think a bit part of it has been because of all the life things going on, and the world things going on that even trying to find escape or even enjoyment isn’t the easiest when juggling things in the day-to-day. But, during and after those tough times, I keep reaching for moments that replenish. Mostly times with my friends, because this is one type of relationship you choose with no strings (ideally). And, as much as our paths evolve and wind away from the origins, I love meeting my friends where they are.

Where in my heart do I still believe in the possibility of hope, even if it's buried beneath hurt? How do we let ourselves believe in new possibilities? How do we allow ourselves to still dream and to live out loud?
- Emily Mais

hope is but a glimmer

As we really dig into summer, I already feel like I’m anticipating the end of it. We’re not even into the depths of July, but I’m already looking forward to the end of August, and not in the same way as I have before. Where usually, for me, August represents a month of celebration and ease as my birthday nears, my new year began with ache and grief with the passing of my grandmother—just a day after my birthday. Something in my heart of hearts knew it would happen, when I selfishly asked her just not on my birthday, because I just needed that one relief from a summer of sadness. And, if I listened to my saddest self from this past year, I would say this has been the hardest year of my life. With living with family, and my grandfather moving in, needing caregiving which has fallen to my brother, mother and me. It has been a year of struggle, and sadness, and one full of hurt, resentment, and pain.

But—of course there’s a but—it’s also been one full of the type of joy that replenishes. The possibility of hope, and forward movement, that isn’t the highest of highs, but the moments that remind you that life has room for everything.

It’s in the self-driven need to work on my health. To ask the doctors for help. To find a therapist that fits. To juggle and balance food, and emotions. To start moving more when it’s been so long. To get more sleep. Always more sleep.

It’s in the way that work has been meaningless, and dragging, and complex due to relationships, but there’s been bricks being laid down to form a new path. A chance at building something else, on my own terms, slowly but surely. And the steadfast way I’ve held on to the possibility of something new, as I worked to not be forgotten, to not let something fall through the cracks. In the way that I carved out my own hope by figuring out and building out a path out of what was beginning to feel like a cage.

It’s in the new friendships I’ve made. Some fleeting, and light, that make some weeks easier to forget any troubles, and just lets me be a version of myself that is just there and present. Not having to dig deep. Married with the deepening of friendships: ones where I can be my messy self, and be afraid, and worried, and share my exhausted and strung out version. And, even the ones where I don’t have to say much but they’re there for me. The ones where we can just be, and meet each other where we’re at, and find ways to bend and flex with each other and find ways to grow together, even if our paths wind differently.

Hope doesn’t have to be big nor shine bright like a spotlight. It can be the small slivers of light that shine under the doors, or through the gauze of the curtain. It can be the yes when a new schedule matches. It can be the clink of glasses, dripping with condensation. It can be in the buzz of a message. It can be a quiet and intentional weekend away with friends you’ve known for decades.

Life can be big, loud, like a foghorn disrupting and warning us of things incoming. But, it can also be the small moments that we don’t always recognize as joy. It could be found in ourselves, but also the people around you that actually reflect who you are, and remind you that they’re choosing you for a reason. Even when you feel like a version of yourself you don’t recognize, they choose you for the parts you do.

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Things I’m Into Lately

I’m sure you’ve seen it on your feeds, but I swear to goodness K-Pop Demon Hunters (Netflix) is so frickin good. The music, the storyline. The animation. I feel like we’ve been getting so much more nuanced animation stories, that even we’re adults watching something technically made for kids, we’re just healing our inner child now. Also, the way that it should Korean culture, and the Korean wave and effects of the Idol Culture!? Wow. I’ve lived to see the day that it’s in North America.

I got an Oura ring (referral link for 10% off) a couple of months ago, and haven’t been wearing my Apple Watch. I mostly got it because I didn’t want all the notifications buzzing, and I wanted to wear it to sleep so that I could focus on improving my sleep schedule. I’ve been enjoying using it, and seeing my stats and working on improving certain facets of my overall health. And, it’s nice to wear an analog watch again!

If you’re in Toronto, or visiting this year, I highly recommend going to the AGO and checking out the Joyce Wieland: Heart On exhibit. It covers more than five decades of this amazing artist’s work, and she’s been such an important voice in Canadian identity and feminist social activism.

Linen everything, please. It is so frickin’ hot lately, and I don’t like shorts. I’ve been wearing these Uniqlo Linen Blend Easy Pants on the daily. Drawstring? Breezy? Thank you!