• Hoping for more than quarterly updates, but this has been all I’ve been capable of lately! You get bullet points again.

• I watched The Materialists last month, and I’ve had thoughts and have a draft started, but also like I’ve not had the energy to give my full, spoilery review yet. It’s coming. I promise.

• Tax season more or less ended, but corporate taxes loomed, and now it’s another cyclical quarterly deadline

• Paired with having another aging grandparent living with us, and requiring caregiving … life has been a lot. Especially when said grandfather is quite stubborn, and also wants the help at the same time. Caregiving is not easy. Not at any stage of life.

• After ages on ages, I’ve finally found a therapist. I’m hoping it remains a fit, but this has been the year when I finally moved forward in this

• If you know where else I work, I’ve been doing more with the shop. And in August onward, I’ll be there in-person more, but also get some more remote hours.

• My full-time job? That’s going to be shifting. Working with family, and living with family is a lot. And, I’m really working to lessen that brain overhead in areas that I can control

• I’m going to Blackpink next week in Toronto, and how am I stressing so much on what I’m wearing, and what nail design I’m going to get?! But, it’s going to be so much fun … RIGHT!?

I’ve joined another of ’s writing groups, and I’ll be making more of an effort to write more again, and share more thoughts and letters. I’ve been in a creative slump. I’ve been in a reading slump. I think a bit part of it has been because of all the life things going on, and the world things going on that even trying to find escape or even enjoyment isn’t the easiest when juggling things in the day-to-day. But, during and after those tough times, I keep reaching for moments that replenish. Mostly times with my friends, because this is one type of relationship you choose with no strings (ideally). And, as much as our paths evolve and wind away from the origins, I love meeting my friends where they are.

hope is but a glimmer

As we really dig into summer, I already feel like I’m anticipating the end of it. We’re not even into the depths of July, but I’m already looking forward to the end of August, and not in the same way as I have before. Where usually, for me, August represents a month of celebration and ease as my birthday nears, my new year began with ache and grief with the passing of my grandmother—just a day after my birthday. Something in my heart of hearts knew it would happen, when I selfishly asked her just not on my birthday, because I just needed that one relief from a summer of sadness. And, if I listened to my saddest self from this past year, I would say this has been the hardest year of my life. With living with family, and my grandfather moving in, needing caregiving which has fallen to my brother, mother and me. It has been a year of struggle, and sadness, and one full of hurt, resentment, and pain.

But—of course there’s a but—it’s also been one full of the type of joy that replenishes. The possibility of hope, and forward movement, that isn’t the highest of highs, but the moments that remind you that life has room for everything.

It’s in the self-driven need to work on my health. To ask the doctors for help. To find a therapist that fits. To juggle and balance food, and emotions. To start moving more when it’s been so long. To get more sleep. Always more sleep.

It’s in the way that work has been meaningless, and dragging, and complex due to relationships, but there’s been bricks being laid down to form a new path. A chance at building something else, on my own terms, slowly but surely. And the steadfast way I’ve held on to the possibility of something new, as I worked to not be forgotten, to not let something fall through the cracks. In the way that I carved out my own hope by figuring out and building out a path out of what was beginning to feel like a cage.

It’s in the new friendships I’ve made. Some fleeting, and light, that make some weeks easier to forget any troubles, and just lets me be a version of myself that is just there and present. Not having to dig deep. Married with the deepening of friendships: ones where I can be my messy self, and be afraid, and worried, and share my exhausted and strung out version. And, even the ones where I don’t have to say much but they’re there for me. The ones where we can just be, and meet each other where we’re at, and find ways to bend and flex with each other and find ways to grow together, even if our paths wind differently.

Hope doesn’t have to be big nor shine bright like a spotlight. It can be the small slivers of light that shine under the doors, or through the gauze of the curtain. It can be the yes when a new schedule matches. It can be the clink of glasses, dripping with condensation. It can be in the buzz of a message. It can be a quiet and intentional weekend away with friends you’ve known for decades.

Life can be big, loud, like a foghorn disrupting and warning us of things incoming. But, it can also be the small moments that we don’t always recognize as joy. It could be found in ourselves, but also the people around you that actually reflect who you are, and remind you that they’re choosing you for a reason. Even when you feel like a version of yourself you don’t recognize, they choose you for the parts you do.

Things I’m Into Lately

I’m sure you’ve seen it on your feeds, but I swear to goodness K-Pop Demon Hunters (Netflix) is so frickin good. The music, the storyline. The animation. I feel like we’ve been getting so much more nuanced animation stories, that even we’re adults watching something technically made for kids, we’re just healing our inner child now. Also, the way that it should Korean culture, and the Korean wave and effects of the Idol Culture!? Wow. I’ve lived to see the day that it’s in North America.

I got an Oura ring (referral link for 10% off) a couple of months ago, and haven’t been wearing my Apple Watch. I mostly got it because I didn’t want all the notifications buzzing, and I wanted to wear it to sleep so that I could focus on improving my sleep schedule. I’ve been enjoying using it, and seeing my stats and working on improving certain facets of my overall health. And, it’s nice to wear an analog watch again!

If you’re in Toronto, or visiting this year, I highly recommend going to the AGO and checking out the Joyce Wieland: Heart On exhibit. It covers more than five decades of this amazing artist’s work, and she’s been such an important voice in Canadian identity and feminist social activism.

Linen everything, please. It is so frickin’ hot lately, and I don’t like shorts. I’ve been wearing these Uniqlo Linen Blend Easy Pants on the daily. Drawstring? Breezy? Thank you!

Leave a comment

• I got myself into a writing slump, and overthinking spiral. Too loose parameters for the newsletter, and still navigating feels about oversharing

• work has been chaos spiral as it is now tax season, and like wat? since when have I really thought about year in quarters to this degree?

• Spring is finally upon us in Toronto, and even though it’s still chilly, I’m feeling that warmer weather shift that comes every year

• more or less “completed” The Artist’s Way with a circle of six, and I have opines for another day

• on the heels of above, I joined a writing group led by (whose newsletter is one I have always delighted in catching up on)

It’s funny, the timing of the writing prompt from for this weekend’s meeting; I had been thinking a lot of how I got to where I am now. This point in time. And, what had moved me to here and all the things I’ve learned about myself in the past handful of years. I was looking at my own Instagram feed the other day, and I just feel like a different person. I feel like everything on it was so long ago, and I feel so far removed from myself from then but also not at all. There is still so much of me in those moments, but also thinking about where am I now?

that box in the sky

I’d been stuck in that box in the sky since that last summer we all had. You know, the blissful one before the world shut down. Where we didn’t realize how blissful it was in the moment, or how it was going become a marker of before and after. The last summer where I made last minute plans, and stayed out late without care, and got that extra cocktail, and many a no problem, I got you. But, I didn’t even realize I was stuck. I felt I was finally free. Free of roommates, and living on my own. Free from the obligations and guilt that lead me here. Free to explore because everything else had held me back. Free to just be.

Yet, I wasn’t. Free to just be. I was stuck in my ways, in that box in the sky. Spending habits I never learned to control. Keeping up with the Joneses while being poisoned in a job that started the garden of greys in my hair. I wasn’t even taking leaps in the scariest parts of my unexplored world (being vulnerable with someone who could break my heart). And when the world shut down, and we all figured out a new normal, I spiralled further into habits and escapism that caught up to me. I was doggy paddling, and just doing what I knew. Surviving however I could, on my own, refusing to the suburbs to be with family, because I’d rather go at it solo. Buying things to fill a void. And even now, I can’t even recall what things I bought while I racked up my credit card. Dishes and boxes piling up on the surfaces of my little box in the sky. Barely any energy to ponder what was even going on. We were all surviving, anyway.

Then, when things were opening up again, and the new normal included some of the old normal, I kept in my tiny little box in the sky the holes I had been digging for myself. The holes that I couldn’t escape, as I felt that compulsion to want want want, without thinking over what I needed and what I could do without. I was fighting for respect in a job that was a dead end for me, with nowhere for me to go when the head of the table looked down on me. And, I didn’t even realize how much of myself I had been losing, as I tried to keep up with how I felt I should have been. How I expected others to see me. How much of myself I didn’t even know.

And, here’s the thing: when I got let go from that job—the one I knew was never a fit for me from the start—yes, I was angry, but also, I didn’t care. I was angry, and upset at mistreatment, and the lack of respect, but I was free. I was free from one piece of myself that I was digging away. Losing myself in trying to force others to see me how I wanted them to treat me. But, in the end, I didn’t care. It was a chance, an opportunity to get away, again. To get away from the expectations of me.

What I didn’t even realize, though, was that this was the first piece to fall from the Tower. The Tower where I had slotted in my super tiny little box in the sky. Where I stuffed every crevice with things and secrets in the shadows of want, and Joneses, and shouldn’t I be this type of person who has all the things? I didn’t realize that once one piece starts its tumble down, everything else is ready to topple over.

And, topple over it did.

But in the dust that settled, after my closest relationship fractured along cracks that had been precariously filled in the past, I moved home to fill them again.

I moved home to a new place where home never really felt like a home. Where I had been slowly picking up the pieces to build again. Where I have been letting go of the extra wants, and Joneses, and finding that place for me again. Where time has both slowed, and sped up, and all of a sudden, I’m wondering why it took me this long to figure out how to handle my finances. How to care less about what people think of me and my job. How to fight less with my mom over tone and translation. How to let go of what should be, and trust where I can go.

While I traded in the box in the sky where I could see over the city with the storms brewing, feeling a part of it all, for a room in the suburban middle of nowhere, I’m where I can feel the lightning strike. I’m on the ground, ready to risk that shock to move forward.

Things I’m Into Lately

I’ve fallen victim to the blind box game, and for your wallet’s safety, I won’t link to them. I have plush keychains in a Labubu (The Monsters) from the Exciting Macaron series (Sea Salt Coconut) and from the Have a Seat series (Ququ). And to date I’ve said that I will only get one from a series … I may end up bending because I got a CRYBABY and I lowkey want more from the Crying Again series. HALP. SOMEONE STOP ME.

I’ve been reading loads of fanfic, and honestly haven’t been reading much else. Any recommendations for lighthearted books? Preferably romance (but I am coming out of my romance-only phase, so I am OPEN).

Forget Sims!! (jk) I’m all about inZOI right now. Excuse me, but the uncanny valley hyperrealistic character creation, and the loads of options for personality and life path is so engrossing. I shan’t say it’s better than Sims because that’s just blasphemous, but it’s been quite enjoyable playing this life sim game!! And, if you have a Mac, you can use NVIDIA GeForce Now to play from Steam.

I think I got in my head since the last letter, and feeling like I had to have this huge plan, and a very pointed topic. I don’t feel ready to speak on the Big Moments, and the Heavy Moments, as I’m still processing and learning and sitting with my emotions. Fully admitting here that I tend to avoid avoid avoid my emotions; I like to think them. This winter has been an especially poignant lesson in feeling my emotions, and letting myself actually cry when I feel it. But, I digress. I think I got in my head, when really, all I feel compelled to do is just share about what’s been going on.

I always start the year with the best intentions about journaling. I was never the type to write in a diary consistently growing up, and I’m pretty sure my mother cleared out a bunch of my old stuff through purges through various moves. A friend once told me that she still had her filled journals from high school. As cringe as it’d be, I do wish I had that. The chance to go back to my past self, and see how she was, and what she thought of in those exact moments. I can think of it now, but it’s just these fuzzy feelings, where I know the broad strokes, but none of the visceral details.

While I’ve tried my best to catalogue my life through photos, and journal snippets, I think this is the best start I’ve had to date. A friend showed me someone else’s tradition of writing a letter to their future self. I’ve done it on occasion, as a random exercise, but I never thought to do it as a regular thing as part of a new year reflection. Once I did, though, I felt so light and hopeful for this new year. I sort of mentioned this last letter, but my word for this year is forward. And, honestly, so far it has motivated me to actually take steps forward in some goals.

The thing about journaling is that it has to be very intentional for me. Even if I’m falling behind on morning pages, or if I have blank pages in my daily, I feel better knowing that I’ve written something down. If I backfill, I don’t mind as much. If I paste in some ephemera, I have a souvenir in my journal. I don’t stress out as much anymore about the blank pages. It just means I carve out the time in the morning, evening, or weekend, when I have a moment and put in some minutes of even a list of what I did that day. But, really, I’m not beating myself up over it. If it doesn’t get filled, it stays blank, and I move on. At the end of the day, it’s just paper. And what I’ll remember, I’ll just hope I keep remembering.

Feelings about love languages aside, I know that I love spending quality time with my friends and family over a good meal. I’m sure for many of us, food can be that connection with others, and even for oneself. I was going through all the photos I’ve taken of the dishes I’ve had, and even a bowl of instant ramen has brought me sustenance and joy this past month.

Let’s be clear, though: I will happily have a bowl of popcorn, or a plate of nachos, and couch rot while we watch a show together, or even through an internet connection. I just love it when I can hang with my friends, and having delicious food is made more delicious in the presence of good company, non?

I feel like I’ve spent so much more time out and about this past month (absolutely no complaints here), catching up with friends. We’re in the middle of the winter (and are we still in a polar vortex!?), and I will make the trek, because I miss you. I want to see you. I want to hear your voice, friends.

Forewarning: I will always try to keep reviews as spoiler-free as possible of major plot points. But, I cannot guarantee that I won’t slip up, and your threshold of spoilerage may not match mine. If I must, I will add a spoiler warning, and keep it to the end.

How I rate: on the various platforms, I don’t really rate anything that is less than a 4 or a 5. I have feelings on how certain sites are used, and I don’t rate anything unfairly. That said, there’s always nuance to a review, and I don’t know if I even believe in a number score for books as we all have different preferences. I’ll try my best to explain any numbers I give, but am always happy to discuss anything I’ve read.

Onyx Storm by Rebecca Yarros

⭐️⭐️⭐️¾

I finished the third book in the Empyrean series in just about a week. Not for any other reason than I had too many other things on my plate for me to dedicate all my extra time to reading. I also had to finish my bookclub book (which I did not), and I guess work and sleep. Not that that stopped me from staying up until 3am a couple of nights.

The story basically picked up right where the last one left off, but I swear to you, I don’t remember enough names other than Violet, Xaden, and the core group of friends and family. Who is Tragen? Am I supposed to remember who Panchek is? Wait, what is the timeline here? The prologue feels like a dream (not a literal dream in the story, but how it’s written). There were so many characters introduced in Iron Flame, that I really should have reread the previous two (but I didn’t because I just didn’t want to) to keep track of whose dragon was whose, and which were gryphon flyers, and is that even the right term?

I think one of my biggest gripes with this series is the editing and pacing. Each chapter ends then leads to the next, and it’s literally the next minute. How does time even pass here, because the way it’s split up, a day can be as many as five chapters long. Then other times, it can be so quick due to action scenes, and then jumping past some moments. I have to try and remember if that’s how it feels in real life, and is this how it felt when I was 21 years old? (Time. Not fighting venin, and being a dragon rider.) Also, I don’t know if I need every single detail and positioning of characters. Sometimes felt like blocking for screen, and that means too much direction in my brain for a quick moment.

Eunice, did you even like this book? YES! I did! I just love how this series is candy for me. I want to know what happens to Violet and Xaden. And every single one of the Iron Squad. We get to see the friendships in this book (RIDOC!!!!11) really solidify. Found family vibes. The relationship between Violet and Xaden feels very consuming like it can in one’s early twenties. The spicy scenes be spicy. The fights had me flipping the pages, and anticipating with the stress of it all. The world building feels like it’s enough for those who aren’t into high fantasy, and I don’t mind this part: I want to know more. GIVE US MORE, REBECCA!! We get more about Andarna, and oh my heart, I love her so much. And Tairn. The more I learn about Violet’s history and the gods of this world, and how everything starts tying into the venin, I want to know more.

Overall, it’s enjoyable for me as someone who loved the first one so much, and enjoyed the second, too. The pacing still feels off, and to be frank, Onyx Storm feels like filler. Or rather, build up leading to the final two books of the series. With the ending, we get a cliffhanger and, exsqueeze me!? We have to wait for the next book? How dare. I want to know right now.

Things I’m Into Lately

Currently watching Love Scout on Viki. If you’re open to a Kdrama, I just started and watched the first three episodes recently. Ji Yun is a badass CEO of a headhunting firm, with a new secretary, Eun Ho: a single dad with an HR background from a company she poached from. I just love the little moments, and seeing a woman portrayed this way instead of the standard Kdrama archetype of cutesy girlie.

Just finished the latest season of XO, Kitty and need the next season immediately, please. Yes, I’m clearly on a Korean show kick, but my heart is all squishy from the YA adorableness of this show, and all its too many plotlines thrown into too few episodes.

I’m trying to get into fantasy, again. I’m slowly making my way through Babel by R. F. Kuang as I’ve been compelled to annotate, and highlight directly in my physical copy. There’s so much world building in a way that makes me want to know more, and know everything about this magic.

I’m currently on week five of The Artist’s Way with my circle, and struggling. But, maybe I should be doing the Bare Minimum Artist’s Way instead?

Internet People

How to Do The Bare Minimum Artist’s Way

If you’d like to listen to the podcast, you can listen below or on Apple Podcasts…

Read more

a year ago · 27 likes · 14 comments · Anna Seirian, Internet People, and MJ Mayes

I know it’s been awhile since I last wrote a Letter by Eunice, and I wanted to let you know that I’m here again. Things may be a tiny bit sporadic to start … but I’m committed to sharing again, and maybe exploring some topics in a new light, or focus on areas that I only glanced on before.

I will wholly admit that I took a break in 2024 because I was feeling this weird vulnerability hangover. It felt like I shared too much of myself, even when speaking in broad brushes of friendship, and relationships. Or, maybe they were specific. And then also the sense of self. It all just felt like too much.

Then, last year really became a roller coaster in June and I never felt I could put into words what was happening. Every time I sat down, even to write in my journal, I couldn’t. I felt blocked, and then also felt like I was doggy-paddling. I still don’t have the words for what my family dealt with when my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer, and quickly moved in with us, and then watching her deteriorate. I will share that last year was the worst birthday I’ve ever had, as she passed the day after, as I was rushing home from my part-time job. I sometimes envy those who have the words, maybe so soon after, but I still feel like I never have enough.

And, as devastating last year was, there were so many bright lights that I feel like they were on another plane of existence. When I reflected on the good of last year, truly the brightest points were my friendships. There has been a deepening with folks, and a reacquaintance with others, and just a better understanding with people I hold dear to me. Things have shifted, and things will always shift, but I feel like we grow, we understand, we may drift, but also we can always come back to each other.

Other things (a mix of goals and just updates):

• I’m still working in the same last job(s) I was working in the summer of 2023.

  • I’m actively looking for a new job back in People Ops/Ops again, and hoping for the shift back this year.

• My grandfather has moved in with us, and that is a constant adjustment.

• I stopped tracking what I read last year, but I think I’ll get back to it this year, as I don’t want to be re-reading the same book. Also, I’ve branched from romance!

• I haven’t learned to drive yet, and let’s make it happen this year!

• I’ve been journaling regularly, and back in my planner systems. Am I possibly overcorrecting and regaining control? Possible!

• I’m currently finishing up Week 2 of The Artist’s Way, and it’s challenging and great all at once.

I feel like I should be dumping every little thing that has happened in the past year, but I don’t think I can pin down the words. It’s like a gallery of Impressionist paintings, with Kandinsky pieces interjecting, with the melancholic Blue Period interspersed in the latter half.

Things to look forward to this year, is truly this feeling of “New Year, New Me!” that I don’t normally espouse at the start of the year. I want to move forward, as I’ve felt so stagnant. I feel ready, and want to achieve some goals. I’m manifesting, and vision boarding. And, personally, I feel hopeful. Despite (waving to the amorphous world life) all the things, I feel like I have control over some things again, and I hope to share more with y’all.

Also, I totally understand if you’re reading and ready to move on from my personal newsletter! I’ll fully admit that I’ll probably be a little hurt at first, but honestly, I won’t take offense. I fully support spending time on what you enjoy, and while I hope to share more enjoyable things and endeavours, you do you, boo.

Love always,
Eunice

My family isn’t a big gift giving family. We’ll have a meal, and provide some act of service, and maybe some quality time together. So, it makes sense that that’s what I also want to do: I’d rather have my one-on-one time with people, and just connect, and laugh, and likely share a meal. Most of the time, I just want to be away and am happy to be doing something for myself. And, honestly, the most memorable birthday I’ve had as an adult was my solo trip to Paris. While I knew a couple of people also there at the same time, and we spent time together, it was primarily a trip for me and whatever I wanted to do. Whatever I wanted to explore, and feel, and dream, and experience. On the cusp of a new decade, and it felt like a culminating move into a more sure sense of self.

Now, here I am a new year older, and I don’t think any one emotion that outweighs others. I’m definitely feeling loved and seen by those who sent me well wishes. And, while I don’t have any expectations of folks to remember: I feel some weight and some sense of loss from certain folks. I’m not saying this to point out that this is The Signifier of the level of closeness or friendship, but I see a stark change this year. I see how much things have changed in my situation, in me, in my relationships to certain people that used to be so much more prominent in my life. I feel like I see who I am more, and know that awareness of myself brings discomfort but also confidence in who I am, and how I show up, and who shows up for me, and wants to in whatever capacity they can. I know things are different for so many people, and I remind myself that we ebb and flow in closeness and capacity, and I enjoy the times we spend in the moment, and I too forget sometimes when we’re not together. And, that’s okay. I’m both content with and disappointed in where I’m at right now. I’m grateful for changes and regret some choices. I’ve learned so much and have so much more to learn and grow into.

I’m now 36, and I don’t think I ever imagined where I would be in life but I know I didn’t imagine this. There are so many things that happen in life that the current life I live isn’t one I would’ve pictured for myself. But, also, I don’t think I ever had a clear picture. I may have drawn some scenarios when I was younger, but I don’t have a recollection of what I wanted to be, what I wanted for myself. No picket fence. No career path. Ultimately, I think I just wanted to have fun, and love from family and friends. To have people in my life who I care about and those who care about me. People I can laugh with, and cry to, and experience new (and old) things with. Those who see me.

This past year has been a tough one. There’s been so many major things, and I’m still going through some tough stretches. I’m still unraveling and stitching things back together. But, I know I’ve learned so much, I’ve grown so much, and I think I just wanted something today that felt … quieter. Something for me. It would’ve been great if I got off the waitlist for The Eras Tour, but while I’m sad Taylor Swift didn’t come through for me this year, there’s always next.

hbd to me.

Does it make me too much of a dreamer if I’m always wondering what could’ve been? Not necessarily lamenting the alternate paths, just wondering. I don’t necessarily see myself as a dreamer. I do believe myself to be an optimist. Sprinklings of idealism, and a health dose of practicality. Wafts of dreams mixed with reality. But, I do find myself thinking, from time to time, of the people from my past and what led me to now, and if one choice had changed ... if I’d be in a radically different life.

I’ve watched Past Lives a couple of times since the start of June, and I think this is one of those movies that is slotted into my shelf of “Forever Movies” that so deeply resonate with me, across various times of my life. (No major spoilers, but some slight spoilery vibes ahead!) I so clearly related to how Nora navigated being a Korean-Canadian in North America. The actual struggle with writing in Hangul without the letters on the keyboard. The ambitions, and dreams that she had for herself. The changes over the years. The prospect of creative joy, and being vulnerable with herself. Exploring and discussing ideas, and feeling heard and seen. Yet, I think I have moments where I’m much more like Hae Sung: an ordinary dreamer, reflecting on what could have been. There’s a nugget of dissatisfaction, or maybe curiosity, mixed with yearning. The nervous energy, the uncertainty around how to move, and be. If we had done something differently with someone, what could’ve been.

Sometimes, I go through my catalogue of memories: Dancing at my twelfth birthday party. Playing with Barbies and my brother’s Batman in my room. Building sofa forts, and sledding down the stairs. Passing sheet music back. Going to Chapters and drinking Starbucks outside on the picnic table. Dancing awkwardly at arms length. The top of the parkade. Walking down Queen West. Staring at a pile of nachos. A drink in the pub. An impromptu burger. Sitting in the grass on a hill overlooking the city. Turning at the sound of a laugh. Getting dropped off outside a surprise party. Climbing the barrels precariously. Searching for poutine on Canada Day in Paris. Wandering away from the touristy main streets to find dinner. The empty seat between on the plane. The sunrise on the rooftop, after little to no sleep.

I think of what could’ve been. I wish for more bravery for my past self. I have so much love for the younger me, and for her fears, and worries, and the leaps she didn’t take when she could’ve trusted and believed in herself. Wishing for more honesty from her, and having all the love for her and the honesty she did have and share. More trust in others. Or rather, more trust in herself. But these are all sometimes moments. Just the type of moments that make me want to hug past me. I want to envelope my past self in the warmth of understanding, forgiveness, and love for who she was and how she was navigating life with whatever understanding she had of herself. And, since I’m where I am right now is a result of my past choices, I can’t really see any of those other selves that could’ve been. Not the actual me in the alternate path. The me of what could’ve been.

That’s a partial truth and a partial lie. I can see myself in those other lives, but they’re always a version of me that is similar to how I am now. Because, the imaginations of current me would still be imbued with the me from now. Isn’t it funny how we can imagine another life but the core who you are doesn’t change? I don’t think it does, anyway. Because how can you actually see an alternative self for yourself if the life you’re leading is a result of the choices you’ve made and who you are? Had your alternate selves chosen different paths, you can’t even imagine them being drastically different than you now because you wouldn’t be here presently, if you had made those other choices. Your current self thinks of choice and paths in a way that is rooted in who you are as a person, and I believe you always would have made those choices now.

In Past Lives, the idea of inyeon is a major theme; the idea of the fated interactions and providence between people and their encounters. This idea that there are 8,000 layers, over 8,000 lifetimes, of inyeon between someone and their connection to the other. Maybe it explains soulmates, and the final life, but how do we know that? In this lifetime, is our fate just to be strangers on the same train, seated next to each other? To me, it’s impossible to tell. And, sometimes, I lament the feelings of what could’ve been, and the loss of the past self and that snapshot of a person that gets carried through someone else’s memory. What life would I have lived if my parents never immigrated to Canada? How would that change my view of myself? What layer of inyeon am I on currently?

Have you felt the influx of stories lately exploring alternate lives? The multiverse? How worlds and lives would change if they made other choices? What has been going on in our collective that we’re looking at the alternatives so much? Do we wish for another choice? Another timeline? Are we reminding ourselves of the choices we’ve made? Are we reassuring ourselves that this is the right timeline and there’s nothing you can do now? Or, is it a collective exploration and reminder that our choices have consequences? Our choices are what led us to now, and the dreams and wishes we once had can result in so much more or less or something entirely different.

I don’t think there’s any one way to explore the path not taken. I like to think that dreaming of what could’ve been is just another reminder that we’re where we are because of our choices. Dreaming of what could’ve been reassures you of your choices now. The rightness of it in the moment, and where it leads you to grow and reflect and be human. Or, it motivates you to move forward, and reach for a new normal, a new path, a new choice. A new life. A continued life.

Things I’m Into Lately

Clearly, you have to go see Past Lives. It opened wide in North America last week, and I just want to talk about it in depth with anyone and everyone who watches it. I’ve already seen it twice, and I rarely repeat a watch in-theater.

The reading vibe for me right now has been: finishing this five-book series about brothers by Roxie Noir (The Loveless Brothers) within a span of two weeks (only because the 4th one explored a trope I am not a fan of and took me too long to finish!!!!); sports romances that are okay; getting a three-month Kindle Unlimited trial, and just going through the slew of books in that library, because it’s all I have the brain power for.

This is #goals: It’s Never Too Late to Travel the World With Your Best Friend; this series by the New York Times is a good reminder that there isn’t an actual timeline on doing The Things. Speaking of the NYT, I’ve been reading a lot from their Well section, and the snippets they post on their Instagram account.

Didn’t realize I’d get emosh finishing the final season of Never Have I Ever, but I did? What a journey for hot-headed Devi Vishwakumar, and the growth in four season by all the people in her life. Oof. My heart! Since I needed another something light to watch next, Glamorous (starring Kim Cattrall and Miss Benny) was an easy watch. I know I had Some Thoughts but overall, it wasn’t too bad: watch if you’re not feeling too critical, and are a bit brainless.

Me (and the rest of Canada) lamenting the Eras Tour bypassing our cities, and just daydreaming (and possibly actively planning???) of European vacations that coincide with those dates. My current mantra: I can save, I can save, I can save. (But, also, I like experiencing the now, so this is difficult!)

We’re now in the depths of Spring, and the lead up to the transition has been all over the place. There have been so many life changes lately, and it feels like the energy of April had been “new starts and outlooks.” Though, with adjusting to these changes, the anxiety that was present at the start of the month persisted, and figuring out how to balance actually feeling all those feels with action around new scenarios was all so overwhelming. So, here we are. Finally putting together my disjointed thoughts floating around my brain into one spot.

With the warmer weather, I’m feeling the motivation to do and move. There has been a feeling of action and movement percolating in the air. Have you also felt it? For me, it’s been this persistent restlessness where whatever I attempted didn’t settle things for me. The feeling has stuck. So, I’ve been trying to find ways to feel grounded amidst chaos. I’ve written about journaling and morning pages as a regular part of my life for reflection, and grounding but I recently realized how much I appreciate the third place.

Currently, outside of home and work, I’ve been frequenting a coffee shop where I’ve definitely become a regular. It started off when I inadvertently took the earlier train into the city, and had to stop by a coffee shop before work to camp out for an hour. It was on my walking route to the shop, and I’d been to its other location years ago, so I knew the coffee would be good. I camped out with a journal, got a coffee, and just silently chilled by myself. It reminded me of me a decade earlier, exploring local coffee shops, finding new favourites in a city that I was newly welcomed back into, and making my way as an adult. There’s been something so lovely about finding a place where I’m a regular. A place where I’m comfortable, and have built a rapport with the folks who work there. Especially as of late, where my main place feels stressful or not my own, being able to feel myself in other environments, just … feels right. It feels as if, even despite my current circumstances, the city I love still welcomes me, and wants me there. And, that it just feels right for me.

Sometimes, I feel so silly having this much stress around a physical space. A place of belonging and comfort. But, really, it’s been a topic I’ve notice come up more and more in conversation. The idea of the third place. A place that is separate from the two major areas of our lives that take over and leaves little room for anything else (home and work, and lately they’re one and the same space). I feel we’re in a state now where we’re adjusting to a life “post-lockdown” and figuring what we’re bringing with us from the before to the now. What has served us, and what made sense, but no longer? What works now, and what do we crave? What do we need to feel fulfilled? I’m realizing, for myself, there’s a need for comfort in the familiar. So, what I do for myself is build ritual, routines, rhythms, that fit in my life. This includes the spaces through which all this happens. When a place feels like my own, I feel a comfort in being myself, and expressing certain sides of myself to others.

I usually find myself running from feelings, and avoiding Big Things so I don’t have to be brave, or deal with the inevitable. So, I have to remind myself of the spaces that ground me, and let me rest my mind and ease any of my racing thoughts. I’ve come to realize how much I live in my thoughts, and in the action. Which, to me, are so different from feeling my feels, and living in the moment. Living in the action makes me think of “going through the motions” but in a way that allows me to lose myself in the “doing” and the work, without thinking about anything else. I know I really excel at doing the work. So, when I find a space that lets me physically be present and also slow down, so that I can actually face all the things, and also safely think about the future in a way that isn’t overwhelming? I know that I’m comfortable there. I know it feels safe to me. I can connect with people, and still be by myself when I need to.

I always feel the need to apologize for an irregular schedule to my letters, but I’m trying to remind myself that it’s okay. Life happens, I share what I want to share, and there are so many avenues where I share and chat and opine. If you ever want to chat, my email is open, my Instagram DMs are open, and if you have my number I love a text or a call.

Things I’m Into Lately

I finished reading Emily Henry’s Happy Place the week it came out, and I have so many feels. I’ve had people ask me to rank her romance books, and I don’t think I can do it anymore. I enjoy Emily as an author, and all her books have different vibes to them that it really just depends on personal preference. I like them for different reasons! I will say, though, I welled up and cried a lot in this one, and my heart squished so many times.

Of course, I’ve started Queen Charlotte on Netflix. I have two episodes left, and I haven’t wanted to watch them because I don’t want it to end. I’ve loved how the Bridgerton universe has adapted the real Charlotte and George to fit into the world, and finally explain some of the things not explained in the first series. I may feel a touch convenient, but the two of them are so ... lovely. And tragic.

That’s all really. If you have anything you’ve been into lately, please share.

How do you process when things are so hectic? When life things feel so overwhelming, and you don’t even have a breath to yourself? There’s been so much going on that I’ve not been able to clear up my jumbled thoughts, and figure out what I wanted to write about. When you sit at your blank screen, and try to piece together snippets that don’t make sense nor have little tying them together but the anxiety rippling through it all: is this writer’s block?

I don’t really think it really is writer’s block, but I know I’m stalled and stuck. There’s that thin line between vulnerability and privacy that I want to maintain. Especially as it’s not necessarily a story solely for me to share. But, lately, it’s been all consuming. I feel myself withdrawing from the looser ties, and the ones not physically present in my life. I update those who I feel need to be in-the-know, or it slips out because it’s just been on my mind constantly. I want to both normalize these things, but I also don’t want any pity or judgement nor do I want the chance for people to form thoughts about me and my situation without understanding where I come from, or what I struggle with internally. It’s one of those “you don’t get it until you get it” moments, another kind of club we don’t want others to join or understand, but desperately wish there were others to commiserate with.

So, how do you process?

This year, I decided to attempt a regular morning pages practice à la Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. I was consistent for a handful of weeks, then fell off last month into this month. The funny thing is that I absolutely know that had I continued through it all, the stream of conscious writing would’ve alleviated some of my daily brain anxiety. All the jumbled up thoughts, and the stress of everything sitting inside me. It wouldn’t have solved anything in particular, but in practice I know how much it helps to get everything out. For me, writing has been the best method to expunge and process my inner thoughts and stress.

I just don’t like crying. I know, I know. It’s not a bad thing to cry! There’s something cathartic about letting loose those salty tears. Don’t worry: I’ve been working on processing and digging into it. But for me, who finds it difficult to feel my feels, and tends to think my feels … crying gets in the way. It’s messy, and I can’t finish my thoughts, or writing, or whatever. Already, I know that even framing this whole letter today around “how do you process” is a funny way of exploring feeling my emotions. Because, ultimately, that’s what it’s all about lately.

How do you feel?

I absolutely know why I ignore, or avoid, or push away the emotions. I promise you, I’m so deeply aware. There are layers to this and they’re things that I’m peeling back and working through as best I can right now. It helps that I’ve been able to talk things out with folks, and even when I’m journaling and writing by myself, I’ve slowly been letting the tears fall while trying not to let them mess up the words written with fountain pen ink. I’ve joked with friends before but all the fiery and brainy sides to me make it easy to avoid the feelings, and just think that I’ve felt them when I’ve thought them through. Inject some more watery emotions into my life, please and thank you.

For a good chunk of last week, I was crashing at a friend’s place in the city. She was dog-sitting for a friend of hers, and asked if I wanted to stay in her lovely one-bedroom apartment. Yes, immediate yes. Being back downtown, with only a 15-minute walk to the shop, and just absolute quiet and time for myself was a reminder of how much I miss it. Walking home from work, and picking up some groceries to make a meal; stepping out to get coffee in the morning, without dealing with a long commute. Running into friends and seeing familiar faces on the stroll back, and having that sidewalk catch up in the sunshine. It felt all too familiar, and I loved every moment of it.

It’s funny: before, I would’ve filled my calendar immediately with social things, but I opted to stay in and read, and just chill by myself. I know it’s mostly because I’m always surrounded by people now. My quiet alone time is never fully alone, unless there’s no one at home (not often the case), and even then it’s only for small bursts of time that can be interrupted at any time. Being by myself made me realize how much I cherished my time to myself. I consider myself an extrovert, and I know this is true when I feel invigorated and energized after social events with people, and being amidst the hustle and bustle of a gathering. Yet, the freedom of being by myself and doing things for myself, and lazing about without an obligation looming? Yeah, that’s what I missed.

The one thing I didn’t take advantage of, though, was being closer to many of my friends. There’s definitely something so isolating being so far in the suburbs with less ability to just pop out after making impromptu plans. For me, everything needs a two hour buffer. I’ll do it! Happily! But, it takes time for me to get anywhere. I think there’s such value in being close to your family (if you’ve got the positive support system), but all the jokes and memes about moving all your friends to the same location so you’re close to them … wouldn’t that be grand? A community filled with my favourite people? Yes, please.

I did end up getting a morning coffee with my bestie on a Sunday morning, and it only took me 15 minutes to get there.

Things I’m Into Lately

It’s really been a slow reading month, as I’ve only finished the previously mentioned The Undertaking of Hart and Mercy by Megan Bannenjust in time for book club this past week. A full review to come sometime this week. If you have any novel recommendations, please send my way!

I’ve been rewatching The Good Place and am reminded how fun it was when it was on air! Knowing what I know now doesn’t detract from the first season, and I feel like it continues to make me laugh, and delight in Eleanor’s antics and journey to be a Good Person. For more sitcom delights: if you’ve not been watching How I Met Your Father this season, I don’t know why you’re not!? Okay, maybe we’re all wanting more smart shows but I just revel in the cute and easy-on-the-brain format of sitcoms, and this feels like a throwback to the old series with its own twist and take.

A friend shared this interview with songwriter Anna B Savage with me the other week (On learning to be gentle with yourself), and it was serendipitous share when I needed it a lot. Also, it introduced me to The Creative Independent, which I have been reading in doses.

The Atlantic published Live Closer to Your Friends by Adrienne Matei earlier in March, and Anne Helen Petersen’s newsletter this weekend discussed it further: You'd Be Happier Living Closer to Friends. Why Don't You? It’s funny how, as a collective, we think about these things on similar timelines.

I’ve been journaling a lot more this year, but something I’ve been working on slowly is a commonplace journal. I have to build more habits to be consistent with it, but it’s been nice to read back quotes and noteworthy words and remind myself of the beauty in words.

As I’ve been on this sabbatical, the biggest hat I’ve been wearing is one of the Daughter. Not that it’s never been taken off: when I lived independently, it was one more easily tossed off and hung up on the coat rack. I put it on less frequently than others, as it would be the biggest one I wore in the fall for sequential family birthdays and more family-focused holidays. Throughout the rest of the year, it would be put on for visits home, or for phone calls, and one off questions or obligations. I’d easily take it off, and go about my day wearing various hats: the employee, or roommate, or friend, or just the hat that felt like Me the most. (I’m quickly realizing the hat metaphor is breaking down, but let’s just go with it, please and thank you.) Now, though, I’m wearing the Daughter Hat all the time. I live in my mother’s home, and it’s a role that trumps all others for her. I know this is something that others feel, too—I’ll (maybe) save it for another day. There are cultural layers that play into some less-than-happy feelings that come from this role for me. Some obligations that I feel like are a struggle, as I sometimes feel less seen for who I am. Is this the Leo in me? The need to be seen and accepted and loved for me? I don’t necessarily think it’s solely a Leo thing—we’re all searching for some form of being seen, and identity, and that journey of “who am I?”

Despite this big hat that can feel like a burden, it has made me dig into how I view myself in other roles. Last time, I spoke about friendships and some feelings around changes in those bonds. There’s been a process of digging into who I am as a friend, and how I show up and who others may see me as. I’ve had folks reach out to share their similar feelings about the struggle, and oftentimes, it’s been of some comfort that we’re not alone in this struggle—-we’re all trying, so maybe we should talk about it more. Of course, this has led to digging into a facet of my life (and identity) that has been put on pause for a year and a half: my career.

If I’m putting honesty out into the ether, I don’t think the career part of my identity has ever played a massive role: it’s not really been a big piece of the pie chart of how I see myself. I’ve greatly enjoyed working in my field, and working with the people of the companies I’ve worked for, but my specific career path hasn’t been “my passion” (another topic for another deep dive)—-it has, however, allowed me to do what I do love: connecting with people, and helping them. I’ve developed and honed skills that have gotten me to this point in life, in career, and I know what I do well, and where I bring value to a company. Not only that, but I love thinking big picture, and I like getting in the weeds and doing the work. I absolutely take joy in seeing others succeed and have their lives made easier by work I’ve done, or had a hand in. So, as I’m in the thick of applying to jobs again back in my field, I can’t help but wonder: has my career ever played a part in my identity and how I see myself?

Maybe a bit, but not entirely, no. It has afforded me connections to new friends, and a larger network of people. I have developed skills, and learned valuable life lessons. But, when I introduce myself to someone new, or if I’ve been on a date, I shy away from talking about my career right away—-other facets of me are definitely the first things I speak about.

I’ve been sharing more about my job hunt to others as I’ve been feeling ready to jump into the workforce again. The other week I felt good about a role and interview, and didn’t move on in the process—-it was entirely disappointing, and I shared the news to my Close Friends list. The response was so warm and loving, and even the small reactions softened the bruise to my pride and sadness. I know it’s not the best method, but I’ve already been picky about where I apply, and when I don’t move forward, it really gets me down. And, I don’t like being down! But, I’ve really been trying to feel the feels in the moment, then move forward because I know it’s not a reflection of me and just not the right fit or bad timing!

As I drop more nuggets of my day-to-day on Instagram, I recently had a friend send me a series of voice notes. I’ve known K for ten years now, and can I just say that I very nearly cried in public? The kindest, and most reaffirming message was received that recognized something in me that I don’t think I’ve ever had a coworker or manager verbally acknowledge. It truly hit me in the heart to be seen by someone who just got it and got me. The thing that she said that resonated most, though, was about vulnerability, and I’ve been thinking about it for days now and forming my words around her words on the topic.

This whole process of applying for jobs, or other whatever next step in your career or public life, is an act of vulnerability. You’re selling a version of pieces of yourself, hoping to be seen and recognized for their value, to continue forward in whatever path you’re on. But, not only are you sharing with strangers, and putting yourself up for potential rejection—-after presenting your best self—-you’re likely sharing your journey with those close to you, to those you consider friends and family. There’s another layer of vulnerability there, and you likely don’t want to disappoint them because they’re rooting for you. They’re going to be disappointed along with you when you’re also disappointed, or sad, or upset.

Maybe, to reconcile the different facets of identity is to continue to open yourself up to trust and vulnerability. Maybe there’s less need to break things up and compartmentalize. Maybe if you show up as yourself, there will be people who actually see you for you.

Things I’m Into Lately

I’ve been reading When Women Were Dragons by Kelly Barnhill, and it’s been an interesting read so far. It gives me The Power vibes but set in the 1950s and more fantastical energy where women are … dragoning.

Still slowly reading both Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin and Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman in an effort to be more present and try deep reading (and annotating!) books.

The romance book club I’m part of is reading The Undertaking of Hart and Mercy by Megan Bannen this month. And another smaller book club of mine is reading The Wedding Crasher by Mia Sosa.

I’m nearly done Crash Course in Romance on Netflix. While mostly a romcom, there are some wild murdery things happening as a subplot, and I haven’t been so stressed watching a romcom in so long! Though, I think my hunch as to the culprit is correct. No spoilers.

I’ve not gone through my tabs of articles to read lately, so please send any my way that you may think are worthwhile reads. If I have a tab of it, that means I’ll close it sooner.

I’ve oftentimes written on friendship. The delight and dejection friendship and community brings to my life. It’s an area of relationships that I truly do hold dear to me. Friendship is a choosing to love the other without much else. Yes, it may stem from a basis of shared interests, or forced proximity, but to maintain any level of friendship should be seen as an expression of love. Of course, things can change, and the two people can have differing views and needs, but one would always hope to evolve as each grows, but that may not always be the case. It’s been a conscious effort on my part this past year to see what that means for me. Where have I changed in my needs, and who has changed in their needs and views of me? I’ve been hurt by some, and I’m sure I’ve hurt others—maybe unintentionally on my end, maybe unintentional on theirs. I’ve been doing my best to unpack whatever feelings that have come up from any loss, but also to be thankful for the time had together. In the past, though, I’ve found that I’ve focused so much of myself in the context of my interpersonal relationships, and they’d become some balm of distraction from my own inner unease. Am I truly okay with myself? Do I glom on to people and relationships as a means to make myself feel better? Where is the line?

I feel like we’ve been seeing more and more think pieces and articles discussing friendship. I find myself unintentionally eavesdropping on strangers’ conversations about making friends as adults, especially in a post-Covid world. I have these conversations with my friends in person, online, over text, voice notes. I used to feel like I was always the one putting in the effort in a relationship. Every so often, I still do. (Mind you: this is outside of growing and changing roles in our individual lives that require us to shift our attention to adapt to new and expanding facets to our identities.) Yet, I feel like I’ve now opened up my eyes to those who have been putting in the effort. Seeing outside my hurt feelings, and shortsighted moments of ego. To those who reach out, or send that text or meme that also has them thinking of me. To those who try, and are trying. But, what of keeping new friends? What of making new friends? When in-person friendship does still hold weight, how do I make this all happen? I feel like this is an ever-persisting struggle, and is the answer “activities?”

In my isolation in the suburbs, and this new phase of my life … I’ve distracted myself through my unemployment (my sabbatical) with my hobbies and finding ease in my leisure time. I’ve taken to more cozy gaming (please, if you know me, I am not one to deal with much combat), and reading a lot more. I’m back to journaling, and using a physical planner, and documenting moments of joy for memory-keeping. Picking up my knitting needles, and watching Korean dramas. I’ll force my best friend to watch only two episodes of Emily in Paris at a time, and we’ll text each other from our respective couches with our reactions. Though, I guess I’m not technically unemployed, as I’ve started working at a retail shop that, I feel, is quite fitting, and I remember the joys of helping people find what they’re looking for. These continue to be solo activities, and I’m reminded of a quick text exchange with another friend, as we were discussing calling ourselves “homebodies” and I felt myself bristle at that label. Am I a homebody? Has the pandemic lockdowns forced me into this comfort with always being at home? Do I still like going out? There’s nothing wrong with being a homebody! I just listed all these activities that are perfect for the homebody. I realize that I still yearn to spend time with my friends, but do I want to do that outside the home?

I feel like I’ve been wading through a fog, as I’ve been adjusting to a new environment, and shifting mindset about certain areas of life. This is to say: I don’t think anyone is ever not lost. There’s a sense of searching and wandering to find new aspects of ourselves. I’m realizing, though, how grateful I am for the relationships I’ve cultivated over the years, and will continue to work on those (and hope for the reciprocation). I know I’ve been quiet for a long while on the newsletter front, and I feel like I have more to say again.

Reading

When Women Were Dragons* by Kelly Barnhill
The Wedding Crasher* by Mia Sosa
Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals* by Oliver Burkeman
Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow* by Gabrielle Zevin

Watching

How I Met Your Father, Season 2 (Hulu/Disney+)
Crash Course in Romance (Netflix)
Girls5Eva (Netflix)

Articles & More

Scientists Warn of A “Friendship Recession” — I’m Part of It
Revisiting HBO's Girls feels like a time capsule of youth, failure — and grace
The Unsung Joy of Falling in Big, Deep Platonic Love

*DISCLAIMER: Links indicated with * are affiliate links. I will receive a small commission, at no additional charge to you, if you purchase through my links. Tyty!

• a spring roll noodle bowl full of fresh vegetables, and vermicelli noodles, with a garlicky lime fish sauce by Pinch of Yum. The meditative work of chopping, slicing, dicing crisp vegetables into bite-size and spear-able pieces. Waiting for the old Chinese vermicelli noodles in the pantry to get soft in the boiling water, and taking way too long to cook through, but will be perfect when you bite into it. Tossing everything in the sauce, tasting it, then adding more.

• a cheese board made over video with friends you made on the internet. Serendipitously choosing Quebecois cheeses, and picking up that pâté de campagne to smear over some crackers and chunks of bread. Making a cocktail in golden champagne flute you bought ages, and only have three left because you broke one doing the dishes in an old apartment, but they're pretty and having a mix-and-match set of glassware delights you.

• spooning a serving of fried rice that your mom made in the morning with leftover rice, scallions, garlic, eggs, and gim. She made a huge batch because she knew she'd be gone for the day. Making some quick pork "katsu" patties from ground pork, and coating in flour, eggs, and panko since all you have in the fridge is ground meat. Realizing you don't have tonkatsu sauce, so you have to make it from scratch with some ketchup, Worcestershire, oyster sauce, and sugar. You take the extra step to cut the patties into slices, and feel so satisfied at how quickly this meal came together.

• your mom remembered you wanting udon noodles, and bought some on her last grocery run. A solo dinner at home means tossing together something and seeing what works. Ground beef browned in the cast iron skillet, and then tossed in the wok with lots of vegetables in a stir-fry sauce of soy, sesame oil, rice vinegar, sugar, and gochujang. Throw in the udon that had been softened in boiled water, and whoops you let it sit for too long so it's extra soft. At the last minute, after plating, you add yolk to be mixed in before eating, and you take your time mixing everything in for a delicious creaminess.

• a solo night out to the theatre, so you decide to make a date night out of it. You haven't been to the noodle bar in awhile, and it's just around the corner, so you treat yourself to ramen and a shrimp steamed bun. You're seated at the window, and can people watch as folks head pass by on the busy street. Since you have your e-reader, you read in between bites of the fluffy bun, and slurp the noodles. You're careful to avoid breaking the soft egg, because you like saving it for later on in the bowl.

• craving something specific, and remembering that you have delicious ramen noodles from Oji Seichi, and you make a peanut-free peanut noodles with almond butter. It just makes you remember how easy it is sometimes to feed yourself something that nourishes you, and fills you up.

• the delight you feel when you remember to soak dried beans the night before you decide to cook chickpeas. You're in a streak of having Korean meals all the time, and wanting something different, and make some cheesy chickpea melts because went out of your way to plan this lunch. Looking forward to that taste, and when you bite into that crusty bread topped with cheesy and tomatoey chickpeas, it's everything different that you've been looking for that day.

It usually takes effort to remember the little moments of joy or pleasantness or content when other things feel overwhelming or difficult or not the same. It's never really easy. Yet, I try to remember to take note of those feelings and hope you can, too.

Love,
Eunice

Reading

The Love Con by Seressia Glass
Act Like It by Lucy Parker
Set On You by Amy Lea

Watching

KFoodShow: A Nation of Broth (Netflix)
Change Days (Netflix)
Fire Island (Disney+ Canada, Hulu)

Articles & More

Everyone Thinks They are the Underdog, Jenny G. Zhang (Gawker)
The Bittersweet Silliness of Hulu’s Fire Island, Spencer Kornhaber(The Atlantic)
Confessions Of A Perpetually Single Woman, Morgan Parker (Elle)

Accidentally Engaged by Farah Heron

What happens when there's a power outage in the Toronto area, and you're conserving all the battery life you can? Apparently, I dig through my TBR list. When I finally picked up Accidentally Engaged (which has been patiently waiting from my romance book subscription pile), I was pleasantly delighted to see that it's set in the Toronto, too. With both leads being Muslim Indian-Tanzanian with a deep love for food, and complicated relationship with their families, I felt some connection as a child of immigrants myself. Reema is in a finance career that she felt obligated to pursue, and loves baking bread and even cooks better than her mom (well, mostly). She desperately avoids the dating/potential marriage setups her parents thrust upon her, as seems mostly happy being single. Until her hot new neighbour, Nadim flirts with her in the hallway, and heyooo, turns out he 1. works for her father, and 2. has been sorta-promised her hand in marriage. There's something so relatable about Reema, as she tries to navigate a time in life where she feels stagnant, and unsure of how to go after her passion, and if it's even worth it. I feel we've all been at that point in our lives in some way or another: I felt it approaching my 30s, and again now I navigate this decade's challenges. Following Reema as she enters a cooking competition, and learns to ask for help, and starts to rely on Nadim, and her friends, and rebuild ties with her family, Accidentally Engaged is sweet and honestly, I love to see growth. The chemistry between Reema and Nadim is there, but if you're looking for something super steamy ... this just fades to black. Recommend for a light and sweet read, that has its funny and delightful moments.

Arbitrary Ratings:
💞💞💞 (Romance)
🌶🫑 (Spiciness) ... It's mostly green pepper level, but there's one scene that adds a little something.
💫💫💫 (Overall)

The Love Hypothesis by Ali Hazelwood

Okay, I mostly see the hype. Mostly. The one cringey part is something that I can't get over: professor/student dynamic. Yes, sure! She's a PhD student, and an adult! Yes, sure! He's not her advisor! But, I don't know—they're in the same department, and there's just something icky about it. That said, Ali Hazelwood is a fun writer. I thoroughly enjoyed Olive Smith's near manic pixie dream girl sunshine vibes that I usually dislike! She's endearing, and loves her friends and somehow got herself into this mess of finding someone to fake date because she loves her friends so much. And that someone accidentally becomes Dr. Adam Carlsen, the grumpiest of grumps, who is surprisingly down to keep up the illusion. Hazelwood definitely plays some of the typical romance tropes, tongue-in-cheek, and I don't blame her for it—THE ONE BED TROPE! But, really, the whole novel had me laughing out loud, and having those heart squish moments. Though, I will say that sometimes I wonder how much of the Grumpy archetype could do with some actual therapy or self-work to figure out how to communicate and ... just express themselves better. Seems like something something art imitating life blah blah. Oh, and this one is very steamy. Like, Oh my word, pull out the fan and ice cubes will melt. It's a read full of snappy dialogue, and some stressful STEM academia misogyny, but it is fully heartfelt and you want to cheer for them both.

Arbitrary Ratings:
🌶🌶🌶🌶 ½ (Spiciness)
💞💞💞💞 (Romance)
💫💫💫💫 (Overall)

I feel like I'm phoning it in today, but maybe it's just indicative of this past week being so heartbreaking. I had so many people reach out about last week's feelings about friendship. Definitely not alone in my feelings, and it's sorta reassuring. I feel like we can continue to do more to be there for the people around us, and also be there for yourself, too. Be kind to yourself.

Love,
Eunice

Reading

Dating Dr. Dil by Nisha Sharma
Essential Labor: Mothering as Social Change by Angela Garbes

Watching

Obi-Wan Kenobi (Disney+)
Derry Girls (Netflix)

Articles & more

How To Rebuild Your Real Life Community Post-Quarantine, Theresa Gonzalez (Brit+Co)
‘Leisure Sickness’ Could Be Why You’re Feeling Tired or Sick on Your Days Off, Natalie Arroyo Camacho (Well+Good)
20 Authors I Don’t Have to Read Because I’ve Dated Men for 16 Years, Helena Fitzgerald (Electric Lit)
The Mundane Thrill of ‘Romanticizing Your Life’, Christina Caron (NY Times) psst, I always share a gift article link to NYT

Maybe it's a sense of high expectations for how I wish friends would show up for me, as I hope I show up for them. The feelings sometimes that I put a lot of effort into friendships, and it's not always reciprocated. But, I also think it's just how one orients themselves in the world of interpersonal connections. I was chatting to a close friend the other day, and we were talking about how our family structure and how our parents modelled friendships really influenced how we approach it now. For them, their parents didn't have friends that they knew of (mostly due to geographic changes) and their immediate family was the focus. As a result, the priorities in life now: family, self, friends. For me, I grew up in a Korean Christian household and community—my parents were in church groups with parents similar to their age, and had kids similar in age to me and my brother. There were regular gatherings and parties, where the parents would have fun, and separately all the kids would have fun, fending for themselves. My mom was also always on the phone spending countless hours with her friends, gossiping and chatting, tying up the phone line preventing me from using the internet. My immediate family included my grandparents, but I was mostly a latchkey kid whose formative childhood years were spent growing up in a cul-de-sac with other similarly-aged children—we'd spend hours after school playing in the street, or going to each others' backyards. And, I feel that as a Korean Canadian growing up in a predominantly White suburb, I was always wanting to fit in amidst my peers at school. I love my family, and value them for their support and juggle our complicated relationships, but I think I've always struggled with being seen for me as an individual and my place in society outside of the family structure. I would say my priorities: self, friends, family (where self and friends are neck and neck). Maybe this means I take my family for granted. Maybe I just feel the importance of community, and the choice of who we let into our lives. Maybe I put myself first because sometimes I don't feel like I'm first for others.

I think this has been coming up a lot lately, as we've been finding ways to live our lives again in a world dealing with the pandemic. I know I'm not alone in thinking that the last two years have been taken away from me, and a lot of my plans and approaches to things. While I've gained a lot in terms of clarity and insight in how I am, and who I want to be, I've also lost a lot of time. Two years is a drop in the bucket in the grand scheme of things, but as I approach 35 this year, I keep forgetting then quickly remembering what that actually means for me. I've lost two years of my early-30s of trying to meet new people because I couldn't (nor did I have the capacity to try "new" ways). I've lost two years of the deep connection or even the fleeting and superficial connections with new and old friends. Well, just not in the same way as before. It has felt like maintenance, and just ... holding steady as much as we could. And, the losses of friends that we realized were either not a fit, or we'd gone separate ways, or just moved on with other folks as a priority. And, that's okay! It's just simultaneously ... sad.

I have friends who are becoming new parents soon, and I'm so excited for them. This next step in their life will really be a new chapter in their life. But, there is also that feeling of being left behind, as relationships are understandably bound to change. I know this, and to be frank, welcome this! Who are we but folks that change and grow and learn to hold all these things at once. I think I just wish to be allowed to be involved in ways to show my love, of family outside of blood, and the support that can mean if space is made for that. One good friend recently shared the news that they and their partner are expecting a baby this year. And, they wanted to acknowledge that they won't be able to show up for me in the same way as before. I think was taken aback at first at this bluntness, because of course! I am not unawares of that. I have experienced it. But, also, the resulting conversation really had us both in tears of both gratitude and loss of what this would mean for the both of us, and how scary it can be to have that change be so presently impending. Gratitude for our relationship and clearly an evolving Big Friendship, and how we've shown up for each other over the years. And then having this big next stage on the horizon, and worrying about everything and what it could mean. I do think society has done a disservice to both friendship and parenthood, and how family is defined. Not only to those who have "unhealthy/troubled/distant" blood family relationships who had to find a chosen family. I think family is a support network of community that includes friendships, and yes, can be different levels of closeness. I just really think it's how we show up for others, how it's reciprocated, and how we can show up as ourselves that really lets these bonds last. We'll see, though. I'm still only thirty-four.

My long weekend plans got derailed even before it started on Saturday. I'm not too bummed, though. There was a storm in Ontario yesterday that was wild. Like, sheets of rain and winds that were totally horizontal. Chaos, havoc, left in its wake (unfortunately some deaths, too). My power was out yesterday for 16 hours. My brother had been planning this dinner party, and all the prep for it had to be adjusted and cooked on camping burners. So, I just ended up reading all day and night? And, it was exactly what was needed. There's always something super lovely about curling up with a book, and letting time pass you by. As a result of the storm: I'll have two reviews sent out in one email on Wednesday, because I had too much going on today.

Love,
Eunice

Reading

Natalie Tan's Book of Luck and Fortune by Roselle Lim
Heartstopper #1 by Alice Oseman (graphic novels)

Watching

My Liberation Notes – Kdrama (Netflix)
Conversations with Friends (Prime Video Canada)
My Next Guest with David Letterman – Season 4 (Netflix)

Still Watching

Grace & Frankie – Season 7, Final Episodes (Netflix)
The Kardashians – Season 1 (Disney+)

Listening

NORMAL GOSSIP, SEASON 2 (podcast)
Harry's House (Spotify)
lofi beats (Spotify)

Articles & more

How Many Friends Do You Really Need?, Catherine Pearson (NY Times)
How to Be a Better Friend, Tara Parker-Hope (NY Times)
Back to Life, Back to Reality: How to Stop Overscheduling Yourself, Malcolm Venable (Shondaland)

There's a total lunar eclipse tonight. The Eastern half of North America should be able to see it in its totality tonight starting at around 11:30 pm EDT (the penumbral eclipse starts at around 9:30 pm). I absolutely love eclipses. Honestly, if you don't ... why? There's something so cool about being able to witness the sun and moon interact in this way. They're usually chasing each other, but in this moment, on opposite sides of the Earth, we can see them line up and it's just beautiful. Too romantic? There is so much folklore about the moon, and the sun, that I can't help love to romanticize these moments. Mix it in with the science behind the actual why of eclipses happening, and it's just damn cool. I remember in grade school, when we would make devices to watch the solar eclipse safely, and those being an event during the day. Yet, at night, the watching of the lunar eclipse was something you had to do on your own—you can see it with your own eyes, and you had to stay up past your bedtime, fighting against those drooping eyelids to catch a glimpse. I will say, though, I am feeling extra exhausted today, and maybe it's because of the energy running through the air in anticipation.

Earlier this week, when I was out with a friend at an event, I stumbled into this awkward feeling of discomfort. I was surprised to see that an ex of a longtime friend of mine was integral to said event, and while we wouldn't be interacting at all, it just had me on edge. I couldn't fully enjoy what was an otherwise delightful and lovely time, because this friend's ex was directly in my line of sight (and they definitely saw me and probably recognized me, too) the whole time. Sorry to A, who had to witness my freakout 🤪 It made me think of why I was so bothered by it. I had never become a good friend of this person, so when their relationship ended, there really was no issue about it—I was always in my longtime friend's corner. Maybe because I knew some of not the best things, I just didn't want to actually run into them afterward. I didn't want to put on an act of politeness? I didn't want to be fake or rude. I know this actually had nothing to do with my friend, and wholly about me and how I wanted to avoid any interaction where I would awkwardly introduce them to the friend I was with, and we'd potentially do that awkward social interaction where you walk in the same direction after saying goodbye. Little did I realize that A and I would end up crossing an intersection, trailing behind them, and deftly avoided any interaction. It felt like high school!!!!

Anyway, I don't have too much to say today as I've mentioned how exhausted I am already. I'll leave you with a book review for book coming out this Tuesday! Thank you, NetGalley and Berkley!

Love,
Eunice

Adult Assembly Required by Abbi Waxman

There's something sweet about Abbi Waxman stories. There's a nerdy heartwarming nature to her characters, where as awkward as they are, you want to root for them. Laura Costello, newly transplanted in LA from NYC, is no different. She's clearly running away from her academic family who aren't pleased with her decision to go to grad school to become a gasp! physical therapist after a horrible car accident that has left her emotionally and physically traumatized. Let alone the fact that she's trying to navigate her new neighbourhood in LA without a car. Yet, Laura is working to start anew and figure out who she is on her own: moving into an illegal boarding house run by Maggie, a motherly figure completely opposite to her own; making friends with the women from Knight's book store (if you read Nina Hill, you'll see a familiar face or two); joining a trivia team.

“Sometimes you recognize an important moment, other times it passes unnoticed.” There are many moments for Laura that passes by without notice, but I feel like that's reflective of many moments in our lives. Only in hindsight do you recognize the importance. Especially, in Laura's case, her relationship with Impossibly Handsome Bob the Gardener. If you're looking for a light, and comic read, Adult Assembly Required will take you on a path following Laura while she figures out that even if you're now an adult, there's always work to be done and help to be offered.

Arbitrary Ratings:
🍦🍦🍦🍦(Sweetness)
💞💞 (Romance)
⤴️⤴️⤴️⤴️ (Growth)
💫💫💫 (Overall)

Reading

Funny You Should Ask by Elissa Sussman
Still reading: The Candy House by Jennifer Egan (may be a DNF)

Watching

Grace & Frankie – Season 7, Final Episodes (Netflix)
Heartstopper – Season 1 (Netflix)
Senior Year (Netflix)

Listening

Poog (podcast)

Articles, and more

How to Show Up For Your Friends Based on Their Love Language, Chloe Williams (Brit+Co)
Is Venting Your Feelings Actually Productive? The Answer May Surprise You, Olivia Giacomo (mindbodygreen)
3 Ways the Pandemic Has Made the World Better, Zeynep Tufekci (The Atlantic)

Why wouldn't you take the time to learn more about yourself? Ultimately, we do this so we can relate to other people. Someone can tell me they're a Rome Girl, and explain how they were obsessed with Renaissance art, and loved Italian enough to major in it ... and I get a picture of the interests they had growing up, and how that led them to where they are now. I can tell you that I have a Gemini moon, and if you have an understanding of this, these things will click: my physical spaces are in disarray, but I remember where everything is, and remember an innocuous event in detail; I would do epic deep dives to learn about Arthurian legends, Greek mythology, and read the Royal Diaries series by Kathryn Lasky to learn all about real life princesses across the world. Even now, there's a new personality-based app I've come across that lets you take familiar assessments. You can add your friends, and see how similar (or dissimilar) you are with them. I love that people seek ways to better understand those close to us. There are so many ways we, as humans, misunderstand each other! I don't view it as a box to put people in, but rather a tool and a language to better understand them.

Aren't we all striving for understanding, and connection?

Book Lovers by Emily Henry

Last summer, when I finished Emily Henry's second novel People We Meet on Vacation, I declared it was in my arbitrary Top 5 Favourites of All-Time. I don't have an actual list. I don't think I could name the four others that would round out the list, even! Yet, I had the feeling once finishing that I would go back to it, or always be recommending it to others to read. There was something about the characters, the emotions evoked, and just how everything panned out that got to me, and had me crying in parts, and feeling my heart squeeze many a time. And, here comes Emily Henry again with her third book, Book Lovers.

Truly, Emily Henry has gotten me yet again with the chemistry and dialogue, and moments that just pierce the heart for that big heart squish. This may be her funniest one, and I love it for so many different reasons from PWMOV. She has written this for the trope-loving romance reader, and still flipped this around for us to delight in. Nora and Charlie are a grumpy and grumpy duo who are thoroughly misunderstood, yet it works. I always forget that there's the trope of sunshine-grumpy, and having Nora also be a misunderstood grumpy? Who I sorta relate to (okay, not entirely, but big moments)? I'm here for it. I love a character who knows what they want, yet also does so much for the people they care for out of love and, well ... because they care.

You know that Friends line? From Phoebe: He's her lobster! My Ross/Rachel feelings aside, I do think Charlie really shows that there are people out there for you. Who will see you for you (yes, I know this is a piece of fiction)! It got me in my feels: wanting to belong in a place you desperately know is not where you shine, and wanting to love the people you love the way you know how. Yes, this is a romance novel: it is spicy! I found the tension and build up was the best part, and well worth the wait—you can see the sparks in the air, jumping off the pages. I am definitely the type of reader who "rates" a story on emotional impact, and character development (or representation). And, Book Lovers did this in spades for me. I didn't want the story to end! I wanted more and more. It may actually eke out PWMOV from its top spot of Henry's adult fiction books ... and maybe tied for its All-Time Top 5 spot.

Arbitrary Ratings:
🌶🌶🌶½ (Spicy)
💞💞💞💞 (Romance)
💫💫💫💫 (Overall)

What should I be watching? I've just gone through a wave of kdramas (watch Twenty-five, Twenty-one for such a good First Love story), and haven't felt compelled to pick up the couple others my mom has been watching. Not that they're not interesting (Our Blues, My Liberation Notes) ... but my mom is a fast-forwarder, and listens to theories, and spoils everything for me when I may be behind! I need to watch those out of sync with her so I can keep my sanity! It drove me nuts when I was behind on the last one that we were watching at the same time. To be fair, she was just excited to watch the show, and wanted to talk about it. I was behind and needed her to stop spoiling things for me! Because I actually cared!

I'm always in need of heartfelt, and maybe uplifting, or fun and lighthearted. Romance is always lovely. A kdrama rec is always welcome. If it's intense, I proceed with caution, and may not get to it for months or years. Please send me recommendations!

Love,
Eunice

Reading

The Candy House by Jennifer Egan
The Garden of Small Beginnings by Abbi Waxman

Listening

Normal Gossip (podcast)
Pop The Culture! (podcast)

Articles, and more

The Overwhelming Thinness of the Queer Rom-Com Renaissance, Sadie Collins (Them)
To Come of (Drinking) Age on YouTube, Mary Anne Porto (Punch)
The Reimagining of Anne Hathaway, Evan Ross Katz (In The Know)
Dimensional (app)
@missmadiejean's City Girl Archetype (TikTok)

Honestly, a lot has happened in the past year and ... a quarter. So, please excuse this wall of text approach to this long overdue update. Some major life things for me: I'm currently on a sabbatical from anything career-related, and I've moved in with my mom (she's moved out to the suburbs, by the way).

What happened?

A number of things! Back in July, I was let go from my job during a round of layoffs. I was pissed, to say the least. But, it really was a blessing in disguise: I've been forced to take a break for the first time in over a decade. Thankfully, I have the privilege and safety of being able to live with family while I take this extended break. I've been casually applying to jobs and also have been interviewing with a few places, but the main focus for me has been finding rest. Some semblance of physical rest and a renewed focus on my goals/ambitions/passions. Don't you find that the pandemic has allowed for the collective "us" to really reassess everything that life and society has taught us to believe? How does one function with value-aligned dignity under capitalism? A constant struggle for a lot of folk, I'm sure. Part of a conclusion I've come to is that I have to find a balance between: affecting positive change, and finding joy in my day-to-day with the need to survive, and wanting to “succeed” by my own measure. But what does that entail? What does that mean for a job or a source of income? Part of it is really looking at the company & founders/leader, the values they espouse and actions they're taking; consider the role itself and will I be supported? Will I be able to do the work I set out to do? Will I be fulfilled? I know I don't have to have 100% fulfillment from my job—I take joy in having more outside of a career— but I also want to enjoy my days! I want to find the work I do to have some meaning or joy and ultimately, I want to help people. How I approach this and achieve these super broad goals are currently a work in progress—but isn’t everything?

Moving to the deep suburbs of GTA was actually separate from the job situation. I was already discussing the move with my family beforehand so that I could be a support at home. The timing of everything just ended up working out in the end. My official move happened mid-October, as I was dragging my feet getting packed and sorted while we figured out if we would rent out the condo. The idea of giving up my solitude and autonomy from living by myself weighed heavily. It really has been a very difficult adjustment being at home. A 34-year old adult child living under the same roof as her mother, after fifteen years away from home (excluding a few temporary stints that was a cumulative 18 month). Two very strong personalities, who love each other but never fully understand each other. It is an opportunity ripe for inner work, and lots of therapy. I feel no shame in this living situation, but I am wholly aware of the strain and tension this causes, and how it affects me (and my family) day-to-day. I like to joke that my being a Leo and my Virgo mom were doomed from the start, but there is some grain of truth in that. Aren’t so many mother-daughter (parent-child) relationships built to have that tension of wanting the best for each other, and wanting to protect the child from tough things, while wanting autonomy and being one’s own being, enveloped in our own ways of seeking and expressing love? We’re all complex beings, but I find that parent-child relationship a fascinating thing to navigate. We’re all just trying here.

I’m not sure how much of the old format will stick as I figure out what and how I share my life musings. I’m still watching a lot of tv, reading books, and have so many things to share! But I’m also consuming less and being more mindful of what I do, and how it fulfills me (how many times do I say ‘fulfill’ in this letter).

One fun accomplishment from 2021: I read 55 books last year, and only two were not romance books. I’ve always been romance reader (see: my archives) but having all of last year be full of a genre that I take delight and ease in? Yes. All the yes. Of course, I’ve been reading a lot of romance this year, but I’ve slowly been branching out again. I’ll likely share more thorough reviews and thoughts on my reads going forward.

Thanks for making it this far, and let me know if anything resonated or if you need a word of encouragement in your current situation. If you want a romance read recommendation, let me know what you typically read and what you’re searching for, and I’ll do my best!

Love,
Eunice

It wasn’t intentional when the first Sunday came and went, but I think it’s because I’ve spent a lot of this month of the new year taking more time for myself. Writing for myself. Reflecting and setting intentions … for myself. I’ve made time for myself each morning, before diving into work, to commit to setting an intention for the day. Pull a tarot card, reflect on it, and write down an affirmation or an intention of how I will go about my day. Some days I’ll just write one line, others a few. But, it’s been so helpful for me to get into a frame of mind before diving into work. Work—honestly, something I’d rather not be doing.

Early this week I made horchata. I’ve only had it a couple of times before—once with takeout,and once when my friend made it one term, and brought it over to my place to share. I had a daytime cry after having a moment reminiscing. Just thinking back to that time. Of a moment in our friendship history. Horchata. New Year’s Eve. Finding a lost watcard. Reminding myself to be kind and compassionate to your past, younger self (something another friend reminded me of).

I’ve been crying a lot more lately. I’m not usually one to cry, but the tears come at unexpected moments. Most from the overwhelm of thoughts that are mainly: I miss my friends.

Not only my close friends—I don’t get to see them in person anymore. But, we keep in regular contact. We’re still texting, and having regular zoom dates, and maybe we’ll have a distanced walk together. We have regular catch ups, we’re in the know of what’s going on. That connection is still there. It’s the other more casual friendships I miss. The ones I see on occasions. The ones I am familiar with from outings in the city. I miss flitting about a party, catching up with folks while others’ conversations are humming in the background. Work friends, and stepping out together for coffee break, or gelato, or getting lunch together. Book clubs in person. I miss running into a friend while out running errands, or en route to a destination, and doing the quick sidewalk catch up. I do miss saying, “Let’s get coffee sometime” and actually meaning it and doing it.

When will we have that again? We’re all going to be so different once things feel like “before” but we all know that nothing’s going to stay the same, either.

Are we all in a slump with TV? Books?

No, I have not yet started Bridgerton. I know. I feel like I’m saving it? I’m also wanting to finish the books before I continue, because Marina isn’t in the first book (which I read: 🔥🔥) and I’m the type to prefer to read the source material first before an adaptation. Don’t worry, I’ll get there.

Okay, I’m not necessarily in a book slump: I’ve been reading a lot of romance. If you know me, you know by now that it’s my go-to easy read, my escapism, but I wholly just enjoy reading about how these characters get to the inevitable ending. Someone I know said that they always love that squish moment in a romance, where your heart just squishes at a particular point … and wow, yeah. That’s it for me. That feeling you get when you’re reading, and you can feel your heart squeeze and squish.

This has to be why I’m watching more Korean shows on Netflix currently. I finished Start-Up earlier this month, and now I’m working on a couple of shows. It’s funny to be watching a show in Korean, but with the subtitles on. It forces me to actually pay attention to it, as I can’t really look away for fear of missing something … but I definitely can understand a lot of what’s said. For me, having the subtitles just clarify any slang or provide better context to understand Korean. Most of these shows have their own similar kdrama tropes they follow, and it’s refreshing to fall prey to the formula.

I was going to cook more in January, and avoid takeout or delivery as much as possible. Alas, it didn’t fully turn out that way but I definitely started focusing effort in the kitchen again:

• tteokguk

• veggie scraps and shrimp stock

• pan-seared duck breast with orange pan sauce

• french onion soup

• shokupan

• horchata (and this one)

• bolognese (or this one)

Watching

Start-Up – Netflix
Lovestruck in the City – Netflix, ongoing
Bling Empire – Netflix
Reply 1988 – Netflix

Articles

The Pandemic Has Erased Entire Categories of Friendship – The Atlantic
Chinese American Food Is Its Own Great Cuisine. Time to Love It That Way. – Resy
Why Straight Men Hate Astrology So Much – Vice

While it’s been an extremely lonely and tough year—across so many facets—I’ve been looking and focusing on the small positives and impactful moments. There’s been a dive into further understanding myself and my values and who and what I cherish. Finding value in feeling the reciprocity in so many relationships in my life has made the tough moments durable.

It has been a year of duality. Seeing the flip side to everything. Food has been nourishing but also stressful. Access to food has been a huge privilege that I didn’t fully comprehend how much it affects those in my city. Work, and being able to have a job but also seeing friends with precarious work, and my members of my family lose income and also be deemed essential. The work-life balance that becomes living at my office with no clear boundaries established both physically and mentally. Deepening ties to some people, and letting others slowly unravel. Asking for what I need, and then simultaneously stewing when my mind can’t be read.

But, really, it’s been a year of growth and understanding the resilience of me. How to juggle the hard times, and finding small moments of levity to ease the pain. Figuring out that hey, people think I’m so extroverted but I am actually so okay on my own. That while I prefer the company of friends, it has to be meaningful and have some depth. That I truly do value friendships and connection. It’s okay to have shallowness in relationships, but to not get lost or distracted by what that means—it can be a form of connecting, but it doesn’t have to fulfill you. Being your authentic self, and letting others accept it—if they don’t, it’s okay. What kind of person do you want to be? What are you hiding and not saying? Why? Why not?

What does this ending of 2020 mean? Can’t we also hope for something new tomorrow? Isn’t hope great? Even throughout this year, there were so many moments of delight—can’t there be hope for more? A park picnic. Meeting a neighbour in a lonely tower of anonymity and becoming fast and good friends. Baking bread. Sharing bread. Catching the sunrise. Writing letters. Sending cards late. Sharing books. Talking about books. Meeting new friends online. Connecting with old friends online. Appreciating the silence. Finding new tunes. Spending all day in my bed. Staying up til 5am reading. Watching TV for pure delight. Drinking water. That flower on the sidewalk. Snow on Christmas. Logging so many minutes of phone calls with family. With friends. Indulging in the things I’ve wanted. Lighting candles. But really striking matches. Walking along the waterfront. The smell of coffee. The sound of milk steaming. The smell of instant ramen. Opening the dishwasher and fogging my glasses.

happy thursday the 31st of december of the year 2020, y’all. may we welcome 2021 with an abundance of delight, an cautious hope.

Okay, so Sunday’s are a weird day. When I decided that publishing on Thursdays felt like work, and that I’d push this newsletter to Sundays … I don’t know. It felt better. It still does. But, it’s now evening and I have the Sunday Scaries, and I really should’ve booked the full week off of work. My bad. I don’t know. I’m lucky to be in an industry right now that is doing a-okay. It’s been hectic. But at the same time, work has felt ten times worse in being a barrier to any sort of balance in my life. Some semblance of ease in my brain. It’s a 24/7 industry so whenever folks have asked me if I’m “off for the holidays” … the easiest answer is no. Not that it’s necessarily complicated, but hasn’t it been difficult to take actual time off? When the lines between work and leisure is so blurry when you’re at home all the time? When you’re living at work?

Also, to be quite frank, while I am 100% grateful to have a job right now, I feel the need to defend and justify my worries around money. My mom is a caterer. She has specialized in funeral service receptions for the past fifteen years. And, since March? Nothing. When restrictions in Ontario lifted in the summer, she was able to do a few orders for max 50 people. She was able to pivot from platters to individual boxes, but the funeral homes aren’t even doing many food services. Everything causes me worry. My family has me worried. I know so many folks, where the worry about family persists and keeping everyone around them safe is top of mind. I’m in an echo chamber of people who are worried. People who are trying their best. People who are keeping others in mind as they move around in this time.

I truly don’t want this to be the only topic I write on at the top. But, we are so clearly in a moment of history. We are living history, and we’re so aware of it. There’s no denying that 2020 will be written about in the future. It will be recorded in history, and we will tell future generations about this time. Do people realize that they’re living an Important Moment in History while they’re living it? While they’re experiencing it? Will we be able to speak about this time? If our experience is not as traumatic as others’ … will that be the only story that gets told and shared?

What are your go-to holiday movies and/or shows? When do you start watching them? I have no hard-and-fast rules around this. I definitely start the Hallmark-Lifetime Holiday movies early on in the month, when the days are noticeably shorter and you need to escape and have something predictable playing in the background. But, I think I usually wait for actual snow on the ground for my classics (though, as each year goes by and climate change makes it really clear … it feels later and later)—or the week of Christmas, whichever is earlier.

I don’t remember the first time I watched Home Alone (or Home Alone 2), nor Elf. Love Actually, The Holiday, The Family Stone. Scrooged, A Muppet Christmas Carol, Mickey’s Christmas Carol. They’re all in regular rotation ever since I first watched them. It’s A Wonderful Life is the only old one I tend to watch but never really on my own. Little Women (up til now, the Winona version) is now going to be in regular rotation as a Christmas-adjacent film. Remember While You Were Sleeping?

I remember watching The Family Man in theatres with my family. My parents didn’t have to work on Christmas Day or Boxing Day, so we ended up going to see a movie together—whatever family-appropriate film came out during the season. We watched all Lord of the Rings movies together (my dad slept through the end of all them. Especially the third one). I only mention the 2000 Nicolas Cage film with Téa Leoni because I don’t think I’ve watched it since I saw it in theatres. Maybe once since then. No particular reason other than it doesn’t feel like something I want to revisit. Who knows. Maybe I’ll give it a go this week. The other ones I do actively rewatch though usually comes back around to nostalgia as the reason.

I’m always curious as to what one puts on their Christmas/Holiday movie list. Why did it get there? How? Why do you keep watching? Do you still watch ones that used to be on the list?

Last week I took a Zoom cooking class with some friends, and learned to make Jamaican Chicken Soup with Dumplings. It was fun! While a chicken and dumplings is familiar to me, I got to learn something new. New flavour profiles. New ingredients. A new comfort food.

Even when I’m making a larger batch, I’m always mindful of how I only have so much room in my fridge (and belly) for the same meal over and over again. I’ve definitely reached for a bowl of this many a time this past week. Highly recommend a fun cooking class (even if it’s over video) to connect with friends over an activity.

If you haven’t noticed, I haven’t been cooking much. I do now have a stocked fridge. So, please hold for upcoming explorations.

I set a goal this year to read 52 books. Of course, this was before the pandemic hit. One would think I’d read a lot more with so much downtime, but it was the opposite. I consumed to escape, and mostly it was watching TV. So, I’m way behind my goal with 25 books read so far. And, I’m okay with that. I’ve come to accept that I don’t care about the number as much, and to push away the expectation that we have to make our leisure time productive. Actually, since letting go of my own expectations at the beginning of November, I’ve finished five books, and I’m already almost done two more (ones I had started awhile ago and just hadn’t finished reading).

I also stopped really tracking my books on social media. For me, personally, it felt performative. I don’t want to have to share everything that I do for me publicly. I share here as a form of performance, for sure. But, it’s tied to thinking about what I’m reading and why I’m choosing the books I decide to read. Even on Goodreads, I don’t really keep my books up-to-date there—I use it to see what others are reading, so I can get more ideas of what I may want to pick up. I like to read to escape, and enjoy my time. If reading starts to feel like work, then where’s the joy in it? Who am I competing against when I set these reading goals and then feel weird about how I perform against others’ progress? I’d rather celebrate my own achievement at carving enough time in my week for my own enjoyment.

Books

Minor Feelings: An Asian American Reckoning by Cathy Park Hong (I linked this before but I’m actively reading it now)
The Bromance Book Club by Lyssa Kay Adams

Watching

Gilmore Girls – Season 2, Netflix
Merry Happy Whatever – Netflix (it’s mostly meh background fodder)
The Holiday Movies That Made Us – Netflix
Home Alone – Disney+

Recipes-ish

Dutchpot Dreams

Articles

Why ‘Gilmore Girls’ Endures – New York Times
The Lonely Legacy of Spam – Food52
What If You Could Do It All Over? – The New Yorker

Eunice, you had only worked for one day! The whole week lay ahead of you! And now, we’re on Thursday or Friday and that much closer to the end of the week—this week went by so quickly. Yet so slowly.

But, isn’t the passing of time such a funny thing? I forget who told me this, but it has stuck with me: as we get older, the year feels like it goes so quickly because it it becomes an even smaller fraction of your lived experience. Think about it. When you’re a one year old, and you have no concept of time … one year is 100% of your life lived. When you’re two, one year becomes 50% of your lived life. By the time you’re thirty years old, one year is but 3.33̅% of your life. It’s wild to think how time passes and how we experience it so differently from each other but also from our own experience. I know this year has amplified a lot of things, but maybe this overall feeling of a slowdown (for those who have been able to) has been the thing needed to reframe how we move in the world and through time.

There are food traditions that have never really belonged to me that I’m so drawn to because of who I was surrounded by during childhood—I grew up in a neighbourhood with a significant Jewish population. Of course, I’ve come to learn a lot of my own Korean culture through food and the pains of those childhood othering because of it. But, there was something super lovely about the rituals my friends partook in.

Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah, and while ~the Western world~ knows about it as the “Jewish Christmas” … know that it’s not The Most Important Jewish Holiday (I am not here to teach you about it! It is not my place!), but it is definitely a fun one for kids to hear about: eight days of presents!? The lights! Dreidels! The gelt! The fried food! The food.

Jelly filled donuts? Yes, please. Potato latkes!? Drool. Yes. I love potatoes. I love potatoes. Also, this isn’t Hanukkah-specific but challah. Oh, boy. That bread is so. very. good. But, that’s not really what I’m thinking of tonight. Just how there’s a level of appreciation one can have for another culture’s food, but the line between appreciation and appropriation. And, also, the weird balance of not pigeonholing people to only represent their culture.

How does one allow for growth and also folks to represent themselves, and their complex lived experiences? Why does this thread keep coming up? Probably because people in positions of influence continue to prove over and over how they can’t see their actual impact. But, if you even consider for one moment what shapes your choices and how you act impacts those around you (and the network of connections) maybe you can see how much you affect life around you. Instead of how the outside world serves you.

As usual, I’ve been leaning into more stories built for escapism. Still doing a long rewatch of Gilmore Girls (season 2 now!), but recently started to watch Virgin River. It’s been described to me as a cross between a Hallmark movie and a Shondaland soapy network show like Grey’s Anatomy. Not wrong at all. It has the lead character, going off to a small town after tragic circumstances in her life push her to “start fresh” and get away from her past. A Love Interest who is ruggedly handsome and bit on the quiet side, but is Good. The Competition. A Career Obstacle. All the tropes of the predictable genre, but it’s soothing and easy to watch and easy to escape in and for me, I don’t want surprises now.

I’m sure you’re tired of hearing how I love this kind of stuff. But, it’s because I know what I enjoy. I know how my brain works, and how I find space for myself. Feel rooted. Or feel like I have some semblance of control and predictability. The emotional drain of processing the works that make you think? Right now? Nope. I’m thinking all the time. Let me turn my brain off for a little bit. I used to feel the need to defend my choice in lightheartedness, and felt the pressure to watch the shows or read the books that make me look smart or not girly. But, why? Why did I have to feel that way?

I consume a whole lot of information on a daily basis, and I retain a lot, too. Look into why you’re drawn to something. I like things that make me forget. That have happy endings. That showcase the good in humanity. I like being optimistic. Not being blindly positive and relying on toxic positive thinking. I think we should all be forgiving of ourselves, or just plain own it when you enjoy something. Don’t yuck my yum! And don’t yuck your own yum!

Books

In a Holidaze by Christina Lauren
The Death of Vivek Oji by Akwaeke Emezi

Watching

Gilmore Girls – Season 2, Netflix
Virgin River – Season 1, Netflix

Recipes

Challah Bread – Carolina Gelen
Potato Latkes – Tori Avey

Articles

Chanel Miller on Slowing Down and Creating in Quarantine – Girls’ Night In
My Pandemic Cat Had a Secret – New York Times
What Comfort Food Looks Like to People Around the World – New York Times
Deconstructing The Instagram Aesthetic – SSENSE